i want to know what being in love feels like. or at least what i think being in love should feel like. but i know its not possible.

you might ask why.

well... because for a couple of reasons. i'm a very contradictory person. i want to know what being in love feels like, but i don't want to be in love. i don't want a relationship. and i don't want to be in love with someone who doesn't love me back, because it would hurt. also... i'm not sure if i could. fall in love i mean.

there are those of you who think that i could fall in love. you think that on the outside, i'm a bitch, and you're right. but on the inside i'm a good person. (for those of you who haven't gotten to see that side of me, you don't deserve to.) and that i can and will fall in love.

but i don't let people in. some of you, yes, you can see the good in me and think that i can let people in. but i don't, not a lot of people. those select few are important. but i keep people at a distance. they may be my friends, and i may love them, but i won't let them get too close. i've realized that, and yet i don't do anything about it.

and maybe i don't want to change. perhaps i should, but i don't know if i want to.

it's weird, isn't it? to want to feel what its like to be in love with someone, like IN LOVE with someone, not just love them, but at the same time, not be in love with someone at all?

i just want to know what it feels like. i don't want someone to be in love with. i just want the feeling. just to know what it feels like.

i've never experienced it before. i haven't experienced a lot of things.

i have some things to do. i have many things to do, actually.

you might wonder what brought this on...

a movie. which isn't unusual.

i watched Crazy/Beautiful last night, and it got me thinking (plus, i found a new boyfriend as well.) but still, i started wondering what it felt like to be in love.

i don't know if i'm happy, or even content or satisfied. I think i'm satisfied. but there are things i have to do to make me content.

as for happy... i can be cheerful and stuff... but happiness? maybe... yes. yes, i can be happy. i am happy. but in a way i'm not.

there are levels of happy. i'm happy when i'm with my family, no matter how much they drive me crazy. i'm happy with my friends. i'm happy when i'm alone. but am i happy with life? that's a different question all together.

there are things that i have to do.

then we'll see...